Relationships & Marriage

A woman just asked: My husband and I don't fight. We have problems but we just work them out on our own. Is this bad?


My reply:

You are right. If you don't learn how to handle your problems, talk to each other, and deal with situations, he will just walk in one day and say 'I can't handle it.' He will pack a bag and walk out. That will be it. That is what happened to me. It was such a shock. On Tuesday I was 'suburban wife - normal - stereotype' and on Thursday I was looking for a place to live.

I am married to a great guy now. He is a great father. (guy #1 is so full of bitterness and anger that 10 years later he can't visit the kids more than 2 or 3 times a year.) But we sometimes fight light cats and dogs, even screaming at each other. We learned the 'art of letting it out' at marriage counseling.

The important thing to learn is how to have an argument, both of you air your grievances, and then learn how to make a compromise - or else come to a way that ends the argument that you both can live with. Sometimes my hubby just has the final words. Sometimes he thinks for a week or two - and then has the final word which is surprisingly similar to what I wanted to do :)

But, you need help. There are small things you need to learn how to do first, like sit and talk about nothing for an hour. You need to learn how to talk about your 'feelings' without the other person feeling that you are attacking them - or thinking that the purpose is to make them 'feel good.'

You also need to learn how to date, court each other. If you can't fight, then the rest is 'not working' even if you believe it is.

The problem in my first marriage is that neither of us knew what a healthy relationship should look like. We created what we thought was one, and in our defense, we thought we did right. But, we were both brought up on sitcoms where the good families always got along. This is unrealistic.

You also need to learn to build boundaries to the fights. There are things you can say/do, and things you can't. Like, you cannot bring up things that happen more than 24 hours previous. A fight needs to be focused. Or, you cannot say things like 'you are stupid, just like your dad.'

I did go to marriage training, and I read books, and we discussed different theories. Sometimes you need to take baby steps. You can't force your husband to change. This can be hard. But, if YOU fix your own part in the marriage, then he will naturally 'go with the flow.'

For example, if you learn how to speak his 'love language' and make him feel wanted, then he will feel less threatened and will open up and talk. Then, you can take another baby step. The more you learn, and the healthier you behave, the easier it will become.